I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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