He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
