Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
