i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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