I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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