Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
