she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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