just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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