apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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