im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
