Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
