When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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