I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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