I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
