explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
