took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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