Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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