You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize