Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
