I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
