the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
