i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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