Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
