My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
