he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
