you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
