Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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