She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
