He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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