Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize