My underwear smells like fireworks.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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