i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
