I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
