I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Even my vagina gasped.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
