I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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