Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
