i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize