Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize