lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
