Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
