I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
