my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
