I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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