This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
