I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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