What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
