Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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