So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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