Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
