You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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