Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
zippers are such a cool invention
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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