I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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