Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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