can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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