im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
