Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
