Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
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