I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's official drugs can't kill me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
