he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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