What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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