So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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