i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
