atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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