so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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