I think my fart just growled at me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My ATM looks so different sober.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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