Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
