If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize